My Abortion Story

My Abortion Story

I had an abortion. 

I made a decision to have this abortion because I was fearful, overwhelmed and simply did not understand how I could possibly raise a child at that time in my life. When I learned I was pregnant, my immediate reaction was, "NO!" I still wanted to pursue the life I was leading. I immediately called my sister who I can't thank enough for her love and support.

I was in Europe at the time. I then called my partner. After much discussion with my partner, anguishing over what we should do, we made a decision. We scheduled the abortion at Planned Parenthood upon my return. 

We walked into the clinic, hand in hand, at our edge of discomfort. We had heavy hearts. I felt strangely calm. Stoic even. 

After the procedure was completed I walked out of the front doors of the clinic only to be confronted by two protesters telling me what a terrible human I was. I ignored them and hugged my partner right in front of their anti-abortion signs. We went home to curl up in bed. I felt pretty damn terrible. 

My partner told me, months later speaking about our decision, that you can never regret something you thought was right in a particular moment. We are all at different stages on the path. His support was unparalleled. 

That being said.... the healing journey post-abortion was long, tough and revealed so much about myself. Even though I made a decision that was right for me didn't mean I was immune to the after effects of the abortion.

Reading Dr. Christiane Northrup's Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom I learned it is the meaning surrounding an event or procedure that gives it its charge and potential to harm or heal- not just the procedure itself. 

So, I am writing about my story because not long ago I felt disenfranchised, slightly ashamed, lost, a little guilty and silently grieving about my choice; unsure of who or what to turn to for answers. I believe that I internalized society's messaging about abortion- that I somehow betrayed my womanhood. No, although I felt a sense of loss, I took ownership of my own future; what I believed to be the right thing in a difficult situation. 

If you are going through this I want you to know you are not alone. 

In fact, the statistics around abortion give credence to the fact that you are not alone. 43% of women under the age of 45 have had a voluntary pregnancy termination. According to Rachel Jones of the Guttmacher Institute in a study published in the American Journal of Public Health, "One in four women will have an abortion in her lifetime." (

Who are these women? They are the women we know, love and encounter everyday: They are our sisters, mothers and girlfriends. So why the hell can't we talk about it in public without reverting to nasty words and ad hominem attacks, politics/religion or quiet, secretive language. I know from this post alone I will receive countless messages of mudslinging, guilt-tripping and judgement. 

But this is exactly why I want to talk freely about my experience and how the healing process of this procedure opened up a whole new world to me. Even writing this more emotions have bubbled to the surface that I will have to process, embody and accept. 

Like a typical fitness addict, I tried to push through the physical discomfort by heading back to the gym. I did whatever I had to do to distract myself from my feelings of loss. I didn't rest. I wanted my body to go back to the machine it was. Soon all this emotional avoidance made me numb to ANY emotionsI became listless. Depressed. A grayness had settled over my life a few weeks after the abortion. I didn't want to tell anyone and I felt I still had to train hard in Crossfit. I went back to the gym way too soon. I didn't want to listen. I didn't want to address the feelings inside of me. I felt so distanced from my partner, my family, friends. I was isolated and alone. It was utterly dark- but I didn't even realize. My mind thought I could just dust off the bad feelings and my body would bounce back to the pursuit of perfection, the pursuit of worthiness. 

It was not until I watched a video by the brave goddess educator, Layla Martin, on her own story of abortion that I could finally put words to what was reeling around inside of meThat I was not alone. I had to honour and sit with the feelings inside of me. I decided to no longer ignore the wound of my abortion. I decided to use to open wound as a way in, to what Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls, "the Wild Self."

I began reading everything I could get my hands on about women's sexuality, healing post-abortion and the concept of embodiment. I had disassociated from my body, there was a mind-body split, that went deeper than just my abortion procedure. The deeply ingrained social conditioning of never speaking about women's pleasure, our pussies or our bodies in a very raw and real way began to scream within me.  I was able to observe my low self-esteem and harsh self-judgement I tortured myself with for so long.  I was awakening to the truth within my body. 

I devoured every spiritual book I could find and began a practice in meditation.  Through my readings and studies of the female experience I began to totally fall in love with being a woman. Reclaiming my eroticism, my self love and not being ashamed of any of the processes of being a woman. It's fucking awesome and I want to celebrate it! 

Kris Bercov, a family and marriage counselor, wrote this, "The abortion experience has tremendous potential to either wound or to heal- depending on how it is handled and interpreted. So many women go through the experience unconsciously-- leaving their bodies the challenging (and sometimes dangerous) task of communicating the women's unresolved feelings."  

It has been a long and gut-wrenching journey of awakening; but oh so necessary for me to step into the next stage of my life. I have become powerfully conscious through this pain. I trust the Universe wholeheartedly on my divine path. There are many clouded feelings. I also know that the abortion pushed me to grow in ways I could never have imagined. 

I would like to take a moment to express how grateful I am that I live in a time where I can choose the course of my own life and my own fertility. To have the choice is something I will never take for granted and I will always fight for that choice. I would also like to thank the wonderful Layla Martin, Mama Gena and Dr. Northrup, among so many others, who have guided me to healing. 

Much Love, 

The Psychedelic Gypsy Queen





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  • This is heavy, with a powerful message. Very brave indeed. In order for certain things to happen, certain steps need to be taken .

    Your journey surly inspires me to look hard and long at muself. On how I can love myself, learn from my past & know when to move forward and upward.

    Thank you for your time & dedication in sharing this with the rest of us.

    • Zee
  • Brave and powerful message, thanks for share something real painful, and the only thing is that I feel honor for meeting you in Acapulco at the Fairmont, I was part of the staff. Your feelings and emotions have my support, Thanks!

    • DIana