Where do I begin…..
I started down this rabbit hole when I went to a Shaman in Cochrane, Alberta, Canada
There, as I lay on the buffalo pelts, I was told by the Shaman my little girl was screaming at me. She was mad. She kept pressing river stones into my belly.
The beauty of slowing down…
Our periods have for so long been the bane of our existence. This dreaded emotional rollercoaster every 3 weeks that fucks with our lives and relationships.
When I have my period, I rage. I grows restless, irritable, sad, angry. I feel victimized and stuck. Everyone else is to blame for the nightmare that is that day. Okay---maybe I am exaggerating. But that is what I feel.
And we must run towards these emotions. This ugliness is where the truth is.
We must embody them.
Today I awoke feeling so drained like I was an old woman. I had a pile of stuff that needed to be accomplished but I couldn’t clearly determine where to start. I felt dread, I felt lack and angst for where I was in life. My boyfriend was pissing me off by saying every wrong statement.
At first I started to clean. Maybe that was this feeling I couldn’t shake. I cleaned up the bathroom, our room, the kitchen.
That helped alleviate a little of the dark cloud.
Then, my dude and I, cooked up a bunch of nutrient dense foods and had a wonderful breakfast.
This also helped with the darkness.
I then brought out a stack of books outside to demand some creativity from myself. I wanted to write the next couple months of spiritual programming for Psychedelic Gypsy Fitness. I stared at my notebook and wrote down some quotes I had heard.
But I felt a huge, distressing weight deep inside me. My ovaries were aching. My rational mind was calling me to take action, to accomplish tasks, to get to the gym to film some more movements for PGF.
Maybe I’ll smoke a little weed?
So I did. Then I went down to the local coffee shop to get a latte with heavy cream. I really began to feel chill. My divine sister goddess girlfriend called me and told me about her feelings of drainage, of disconnect, and feeling out of whack. She told me she had been reading about how are periods are our most sacred times; how we must honour this time.
And that is when I had my stomach drop.
All my experiences started to bubble up to the surface of my mind’s eyes into this sequence of events that lead me to this exact spot. Everything I had read about the womb holding traumas, the emotional lid we keep on ourselves and the wisdom I received from the shamans, the empaths, the psychedelics….all came together in one deeply profound moment.
The heavy weight inside me, the pain body, had to be worked through. It was coming to the surface.
At first, I went towards my boyfriend for salvation. Maybe he could calm these intense feelings through love and validation. I explained to him that during the few days around my menstruation I needed a ton of love and care. I simply needed him to take care of me. To make me a meal and to hug me a little more. He agreed and I began to weep thinking this would alleviate the heavy weight. However, he told me whatever I was experiencing was too strong, too much for him. Feeling dejected and victimized I seemed to know exactly what this heavy weight was calling me to do. I took a blanket and a candle and lay it outside on the grass underneath a palm tree.
I lit the candle, curled up on the blanket and began to weep uncontrollably.
I didn’t know what this was about. I couldn’t rationalize it. I knew, though, that this wasn’t about logic but about embodiment. Working through the collective pain body. My body tensed, I grunted, I wailed, I screamed into the blanket. I made strange faces and stuck my tongue out. I cried, I snotted.
And I knew that this is what my body needed to work through. How do I know this? When I did a mushroom ceremony, the layers began to peel back, and every emotion I had ever stifled came to the surface to finally breath!
I knew this embodiment. When I did Ayahuasca (that is a whole story in itself) I tried to rationalize mother ayahuasca, the mother god, until I couldn’t hold on anymore. Then my body took over in a fit of rage, purging, cleansing and snake-like movements. Ridding my body of my negative energy. Grieving my past experiences, my self loathing, my frustrations, my victimizations- breaking down the house of cards that is my ego. It was the most emotionally intense moment of my life. It was terrifying to let go of control- or whatever control I thought I had.
And that same pain body, both generational and personal resurfaces during our periods. And we MUST embody it.
I stayed with the pain and sadness. I let go of the control I think I have on my body and mind. And it just did what it needed to do. After some time I sat up and hugged myself. I rubbed my body, feeling my body and blessed my body for such a release.
My boyfriend walked outside into the yard. He quietly padded over to rub my back, kiss my forehead and rub my womb. I thanked him. He then told me he had warmed up a bowl of chicken feet soup for me. My journey through the pain body was complete.
This is what they mean when they say create space. My body would not permit to do anything this day. It made me feel. And I felt- so strongly. It was scary but I went towards my fear, my pain, my problems. I slapped together a sacred space for me to weep for whatever my body needed to weep about. I nourished myself and then went to sleep.
The next day I awoke feeling peace, juiciness and so much love. My man remarked how glowing my skin looked. I felt so empowered. I felt creative. I felt so at home in my womanly form. It was delicious.
This was the first time I think I have ever truly utilized the gift that is my period to enter into my darkness and wail it out. Pinkola Estes says that during our period, the veil between the conscious and the subconscious diminishes and we must honour whatever rumbles up from the other realm. Our birthright, as women, is to honour this flow- the cyclical nature of our bodies, our emotions. We have a chance each month to slip into the subconscious realm to face our darkness, to process what we fail to emote and reemerge from the darkness with greater depth and wisdom.
How special this is. How powerful. We are the Sacred Godesses.
But we have lost our way in our bodies. We are told to always take action, be on top of things, to be tough and work so hard because that is the only way to achieve, to have success.
But that’s how a man approaches life.
Women- we are so intelligently designed to run on a different track.
And that is the path of the Psychedelic Gypsy. The spiritual warrior. To reconnect with that which has been disconnected. To come back home to ourselves, with other soul sisters. In ancient times, women would come together during their periods and go out into the woods to tell stories, to feel what they had to feel, to weep. Then they would sleep in front of the fire in nature. They would return to the tribe and recite their dreams to the tribal elders. The elders believed menstruation dreams from their women were insight into the next place they should migrate to for food. They believed the women slipped into a different field of awareness and gained esoteric to keep the tribe safe.
We must create space for ourselves to feel. I know, I used to hate this term until I experienced what that felt like. I opened up the door of my bottled up pain for some major catharsis. For major self love. And I didn’t need anyone to do it for me. I returned back to the temple of I AM.
I will be delving into our pussy power further by explaining how we can naturally supplement, stay present with the pain body and explore the depths of our consciousness through menstruation. How we can pass this knowing onto our sons and daughters for the future.
All of our answers lay inside the wilderness of our bodies.
Until next time,
The Psychedelic Gypsy Queen